Moving to Tennessee
I must admit I do things at a fast pace and on a whim. However, I’ve known for quite some time that the life I wanted, the “home” I wanted to build, was not in Rhode Island.
Rhode Island is not New York, I don’t know how many times I’ve had this conversation with people although I am generally prepared now. The conversation begins like this “Where are you from?” “Rhode Island” “Oh, New York?”. I always get a kick out of it and I never judge. I simply explain that Rhode Island is the smallest state located in the Northeast, south of Massachusetts, east of Connecticut. I’ve pulled up a map for a few people who truly did not know, again no judgement here. The state is gorgeous! Beautiful beaches, small little towns, four seasons and the people have an accent that I never picked up but I enjoy listening to. So why move? If Rhode Island is as great as I’m making it seem, why would I ever want to leave such a quaint place?
My answer changes from person to person, some know my history, some I’ve only just met, so there is always a different way to explain my decision, each way is the truth. My answer to you all, I needed a change. 24 years of the same places, people and food. 24 years of friendships, family and adventures. 24 years of difficult situations, embarrassing stories and heartbreak on many levels. You see, my life, as blessed as I am, has faced some cruel people, hard times and tremendous losses. It was getting harder and harder for me to go places, in fear of running into specific people, in fear of passing a specific place to trigger some bad memories, in fear of truly living the life I long for. I stayed stagnant for so long. Continuously cycling through the same cycle of behavior and toxicity that I hated. I associated with some people who were not good to me, but hey I wasn’t alone right? I was at least comfortable so I mind as well stay right? Wrong and wrong.
Leaving Rhode Island has been on my mind for years. I just never knew where exactly I wanted to go. I did a bit of research and of course with the help of some family settled on Tennessee. Tennessee was fairly close compared to the rest of the country, only being a 16 hour drive just incase I needed to get home quick, but still far enough away to make a difference. The landscape was similar but there is almost no snow (yay!). The people were nice (southern hospitality is truly a thing). These changes, although small, made me feel like it was the change I needed, but still had a touch of where I’m from. Some said I was just running from my problems, those people don’t know me. I stayed and fought for a long time, I tried to picture where I would end up if I stayed, I tried to reconcile with those I did not get along with. The amount of energy and strength it took to do this went unnoticed by most. Only the people closest to me saw and acknowledged it. But I did not was the recognition. I wanted to just be happy.
Going back to the beginning of this post, I said I tend to do things at a fast pace and on a whim. I knew for some time that Rhode Island wasn’t my home, but deciding on where to go and to begin the process and steps to actually leave only started about two months before I actually left. The fire lit within me after a small group of people I knew since high school made me feel so hurt, so small, so irrelevant, I cried for hours one night. I couldn’t sleep that night and all I thought to myself was that I was tired of feeling like this. I was tired of having to prove myself. I was tired of having to constantly be accepted. The next morning I said my peace, left the group and blocked who I needed to. That was the day I stopped caring about what others thought, that was the day I felt a weight lift off me, that was the day I decided to just start living for me, that was the day that motivated me to just take the leap and move.
In that two month span, I purchased a new car, separated myself from what I considered to be toxic people, I quit my job and I finally left. Although it was sad to say goodbye to my family, friends and life as I knew it, I was overcome with a sense of pride, adrenaline and pure happiness. I wasn’t just saying goodbye to my old life, I was saying goodbye to the old me. The scared me, the insecure me, the version of me I would not have wanted to be when I was younger. I was finally stepping into who I was as a person, who I wanted to be.
About an hour away from my new “home” I was overcome with emotions. I began to get a lump in my throat, my eyes began to well up with tears and my heart raced. This was it. This was happy. This is what I hadn’t felt in years. If in a year, two years or even five, if I don’t feel as though this is the right fit, I can always do this again, maybe I’ll feel like I can go back (although I highly doubt it). But for now, I’m just enjoying life, finding my way around, making leaps outside my comfort zone, just enjoying everyday as it comes.