Fight or Flight: Returning to RI
Today I fly back to Rhode Island. Contrary to popular belief, this trip is not to visit friends and family, it’s not to pack up the rest of my belongings to ship back to Tennessee. No, this trip is to tie up some loose ends and complete some unfinished business that has been going on for quite some time. So am I excited for this trip? If I’m being one hundred percent honest, no, absolutely not. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely excited to see friends and family, to catch up and share some stories of my adventures in Tennessee, but as for the trip as a whole, no I’m not excited.
I’m writing this post in the middle of BWI, an airport in Baltimore, which is my halfway point to home. I’ve been up since 3am, running on 3 hours of sleep, and I’m exhausted. I hadn’t made a post last week and people definitely noticed. I was going to make a post about procrastination as a joke but I never got around to it. Instead, I took the time to plan for this trip and to plan the next steps for myself and my life once I return. This trip has taken a lot out of me. It’s emotional and stressful. I can’t help but tear up just thinking about landing in Providence (really Warwick, but you’d know that if you’re truly from Rhode Island). I needed this week to prepare. I needed this week to focus on what’s important in this moment. I needed this week to put all of my energy into not falling apart.
Only a select few in my life know the actual reason for my return. I can’t reveal why just yet, and who knows if I ever will. I plan on putting this unfinished business in my past and fully move forward in my life. This issue has taken over the first half of my twenties, a time where I should be going out and having fun, not a care in the world. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. Unexpected, terrible and stressful things happen all the time that we can’t control. But instead of wallowing in self pity, hiding from the world and life in general, I decided to pick myself up and fight, fight harder than I ever have. I’ve had my days where I was drained, depressed and couldn’t help but ask “why me?” but I wouldn’t change what happened. It’s helped me grow, develop as a person and truly show me how strong and resilient I am.
I understand this post may be confusing for most, not knowing the whole story. It may seem messy or rushed, being in the middle of an airport, at the wrong gate, trying to mentally prepare myself for the next week. However, I’m not asking you to understand. I’m not asking you to know what happened. I’m sharing this to show that even when life gets hard or uncertain, it’s best to take a break, take care of yourself and most importantly, keep fighting. So am I excited to go back? Hell no, I feel all the emotions I’ve been holding back for a few years now, I feel as though I’m stepping back into who I previously was, I’m even fighting back tears now just thinking about it. But seeing my friends and family, knowing I have their support and love, gives me the push I need to keep fighting, it gives me the sigh of relief I’ve been waiting for, it shows me that I’m not alone in this and there’s always something to look forward to, even in the darkest of times.